“Madre mala, hijo bueno.” It’s an ancient Spanish proverb passed down through the generations via family and folklore and as part of oral tradition and wisdom. It translates in English as, “Bad mother, good son.” The proverb suggests that sometimes, even if a mother is more than just flawed when it comes to mothering or maybe behaves with cruelty or is abusive – consistently – her children may still turn out to be OK. To be good people, regardless. It reflects the idea that a mother's shortcomings, whether typical or grave, don’t necessarily dictate the character or behavior of her children.
Give this paragraph to anyone to read – especially during the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day – and within a nanosecond I promise a strong reaction, both good and bad, by said reader. For example, “Yeah, I hate my mom. She’s a liar and a narcissist,” to “My mom is actually awesome,” to “my birth mother abandoned me,” to “my mother is my best friend.” But even with mixed good and bad reviews on Mom, (and mind you, being a mom is the hardest thing ever), I guarantee you’ll hear way more about a bad mom than a good one. Good one’s get a little attention but truly not enough, whereas a bad mother? It’s about as popular a topic as there can be in the arena of human communication.
Hop on to Pinterest and you’ll find boards with Bad Mom quotes that, like a beating drum, the words pound in a rhythm of pain felt by the children of bad mothers. Or scroll through Amazon’s book selection on bad mothers – poetry, fiction and nonfiction – with titles like: You’re Not Crazy -- It’s Your Mother, The Tears that Taught Me, Mother’s Who Can’t Love, I Always Knew, Bad Mother, Apologies That Never Came, The Mean Mother, Done With Crying. And of course, because making comedy out of darkness has always been a big seller for entertainment, you can stream: “The Bad Mothers,” both film and tv series, as well as the film, “A Bad Moms Christmas.” But if you don’t want the comedy, the film, “Mommie Dearest,” is a go-to classic. Don’t forget though, when talking about bad moms it’s important to recognize the context of “bad.” For example, the acclaimed blog, Her Bad Mother, connotes bad as in bad ass. Whereas drunk, mean, awful Janice Angstrom, the mom in Updike’s timeless novel, Rabbit, Run, is “bad” as in a drunk, mean awful mom.
Enough with the glib though because in truth having a bad mom is painful and confusing and learning how to let go of the anger – its burden and poison – can take a lifetime if it happens at all. I know. I had a bad mom. For years, until her intervention, she was bad but we were close in that bad mom very unhealthy way, meaning she parentified me and I was her “pal” (favoritism when it suited her) which gave her open season on me as scape goat, gopher, parent, maid and ashtray. Of course, being her “pal” was never a sure thing, as you can imagine, but it was better than being no pal at all. Believe me, I saw the horror in that. As a consequence of my bad mom circumstance, and as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, I’ve dealt with insurmountable issues of my own. But I’m past the anger, past being the victim, past my voice becoming shrill and enraged when I talk about her – I’ll share that unimaginable feat with you in a minute – and now I’m able to say calmly and matter-of-factly that she was an alcoholic (rather than cursing that she was a mean drunk). She was also diagnosed as a borderline psychotic, now referred to as Borderline Personality Disorder.
Both of these mental illnesses though were (sort of) beyond her control, as she herself suffered extreme psychological and emotional traumas as a daughter which I’m convinced helped contribute to her bad behavior. These days I give her a little bit of a pass. I’m not saying what she did or her behavior was OK, it wasn’t, I’m just saying that damage leads to damage. She was also one of thousands of women born in the early 1930's who were relegated to marriage as their said purpose in life was to serve men. She was one of hundreds of thousands of women who had children in the fifties and sixties. Women who lived in the suburbs, women who were charged with managing post World War II households and helping support or advance their husband's careers or vocations. Women who weren’t allowed by their husbands to work or have a career but who could, if the organization was socially acceptable, volunteer. Women who were told to always put their husband and children first, above all else. Women who were white thus culturally confined in whiteness in order to protect the segregated status quo. Women who were expected to simply do as they were told. Women who were indoctrinated through religion, through incorrect history, through song, through laws, through societies’ mores to be property – a wife. And if an adult woman did not become a wife she was worthless, meaning a financial liability and burden to her family and who wanted that. So always walked the aisle, no matter what. My mother was like all the women who lived a life not chosen and, like many women of my mother’s generation, and generations after that, the realization of no options can create, via anger and resentment, a negative outcome and result in a lot of bad moms.
This isn’t to say that we, members of the Bad Mom Tribe, don’t love our mothers even with their badness, some of us actually do. But that doesn’t necessarily, and shouldn’t, guard against estrangement due to setting healthy boundaries and understanding the toxicity of a bad mom.
Right about here is where the voice pipes in: “but what about forgiveness?” If it works for you, sure, get to the point where you can forgive the psychological abuse, physical abuse, lack of care, abandonment, cruelty, emotional neglect. As don Miguel Ruiz writes, “forgiveness is an act of self-love. You must forgive those who hurt you, even if what they did to you is unforgivable in your mind. You will forgive them not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you don’t want to suffer and hurt yourself every time you remember what they did to you.
It doesn’t matter what others did to you; you are going to forgive them because you don’t want to feel sick with emotional poison all the time. Forgiveness is for your own mental healing. Forgiveness is the only way to heal your emotional wounds.”
Personally, I totally get the forgiveness thing, but decided to take a different route in unpacking then discarding the anger and pain and sadness. In fact, the route I’ve taken leads me to say, “it’s my bad,” (or good which is how this witch sees it). I take complete responsibility for having a bad mom.
Like, what?! Yes. "I said what I said. Here’s the thing. We’ve all heard people say that when it comes to family, “oh well, you can’t choose your parents,” or your sisters, or brothers, and certainly NOT your mother. I disagree. I believe – but didn’t always – that we do choose our parents, our brothers and our sisters, even our mother. Per family, it’s what’s called a family soul contract and why or even how a soul does this, chooses their family and creates this contract, varies across different spiritual and even religious traditions. For me though, I’m big on reincarnation along with Buddhists and Hindus and New Agers. We believe that souls go through multiple lifetimes, choosing their family and circumstances based on karmic factors and lessons that need to be learned. The soul may be drawn to specific family dynamics, cultural backgrounds, or life experiences to facilitate desired spiritual growth and evolution. This is also true for the Mother-child soul contract. This is when a soul makes a contract with the soul of the woman who will become the soul’s birth mother.
The Mother-child soul contract also suggests that souls may have predestined agreements or contracts before entering into physical existence, including relationships such as those between a mother and child.
FYI: here are some key points associated with the concept of a mother-child soul contract:
Pre-birth Agreements: According to this belief, before souls incarnate into physical bodies, they make agreements or contracts with other souls to fulfill certain roles or experiences in their lives. This includes relationships like parent-child connections. Or mother-child relationship.
Purposeful Connections: The relationship between a mother and child is seen as more than just a result of chance or biology. Instead, it is viewed as a chosen connection that serves the growth and evolution of both souls involved. This could involve lessons, challenges, or experiences that each soul needs for its spiritual development.
Mutual Learning: Both the mother and child are seen as spiritual beings on a journey of growth and learning. The relationship provides opportunities for both parties to learn and evolve, sometimes through joyous experiences and sometimes through extreme challenges and difficulties.
Karmic Dynamics: In some interpretations, the mother-child relationship may be influenced by past-life connections or karmic debts. Souls may choose to incarnate together to resolve past issues or to support each other in specific ways.
Free Will and Choice: While the idea of soul contracts suggests predetermined agreements, it's often also believed that souls retain free will and can choose how to navigate their earthly experiences. Therefore, while there may be a general plan or agreement, the specifics of how the relationship unfolds are influenced by the choices made by the individuals involved.
Healing and Growth: Ultimately, the purpose of such contracts is often seen as facilitating healing, growth, and spiritual evolution for all parties involved. Even challenging relationships, such as having a bad mom, can offer opportunities for profound learning and transformation.
I believe I chose my mother, my bad mother, for reasons ranging from unfinished business between us to my need to learn and grow. It’s through our relationship that I learned discernment, analytical thinking, selflessness, compassion, and understanding universal pain which has been the motivation in my goal to help others get to a place in their life where they understand who they are and what their purpose is. For who I am, this is what I needed. So having a bad mom? That’s on me.
Don’t get me wrong, good moms are just as important for a soul who needs to grow and learn. Example, Anna Jarvis.
The concept of honoring mothers and motherhood has ancient roots and can be found in cultures and traditions throughout history, but it was Anna Jarvis's campaign that helped formalize and institutionalize the celebration of Mother's Day in the United States
A social activist, Jarvis began campaigning for a designated day to honor mothers in the early 20th century. She was inspired by her own mother, Ann Jarvis, who had organized "Mother's Day Work Clubs" during the Civil War to address public health issues and promote reconciliation.
After her mother's death in 1905, Jarvis embarked on a mission to establish a nationally recognized Mother's Day as a way to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children. She tirelessly campaigned for the holiday and lobbied influential figures and organizations, including politicians, business leaders, and women's groups.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation officially establishing the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day, a national holiday to honor mothers. From then on, Anna Jarvis. who campaigned to make Mother's Day became an annual tradition celebrated with flowers, cards, gifts, and expressions of gratitude for mothers and mother figures.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. It was hell, but I couldn’t be doing this without you.